3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
