Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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