Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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