sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
