that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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