He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
