Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
