I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
