i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
