I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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