Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
