He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
