low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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