This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize