After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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