Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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