You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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