You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize