well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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