ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
