You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize