mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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