We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
