nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
