I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
