first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
