the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
