I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
