I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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