Pants 0. Shit 1.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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