I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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