gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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