i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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