So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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