I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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