i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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