I think my fart just growled at me.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
