Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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