You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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