my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
