I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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