there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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