I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
