I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
