Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
