can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
