Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
