Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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