Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
