How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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