My underwear smells like fireworks.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
