I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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