Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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