I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
