I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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