i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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