I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize