I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
