Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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