last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
