He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize