I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize