I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
