Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
