My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
