Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
